Little spoons don't ask big questions
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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