Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
