My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
