We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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