theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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