Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
