The beer is more important than you right now.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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