Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just found a bag of teeth...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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