Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
