I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
