Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
vagina is talking i cant
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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