I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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