After last night, I could never be a politician.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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