Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize