Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
