using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
