My nipple is on Facebook.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize