I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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