Four minutes until I can fart!
she smelled like a LAN party
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
