you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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