thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
