Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My penis needs a shock collar
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
