just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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