Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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