im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
