a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize