I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
