i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
