question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
