I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
