Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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