yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
