Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
