not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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