Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
