Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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