Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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