Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
