my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
