I'm jealous of your bromance
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
