My friends, they love my intelligence
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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