eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
