There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
