im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
