And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
