somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Drunk is a universal language darling
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
