And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
