I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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