i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
