our cab driver is having phone sex.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Randomize
