soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
