the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize