i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
