Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
