Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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