ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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