apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
