I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
