Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
