Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
