She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
we're making bets on your personal life
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
