did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
